My First Retreat and Returning Home

Now that I had started on my new path, I had committed to go to my first retreat in Yucca Valley, California. The problem was that Ed, my husband decided not to go. This meant that I had to go alone, on a plane, to an unknown destination with no one I knew. I had such fire drawing me forward and such fear holding me back. In the chapter I state,

I was in a stalemate inside myself with one part wanting to go for my growth and another part wanting to stay because of fear. I thought, “Maybe going to this retreat wasn't so important after all. No I didn't need to go to this retreat nor do I need to spend money that belonged to the family. That was the answer. I just wouldn't go. Now didn't that feel better? Yeah! Wait a minute, what about my growth? What about "Behold God"? That's right! I need to go to this retreat for me, for my family, for my life. OK I'm going! Wait a minute! What about a plane crash and death? How would that benefit my family? That's right too! I'm not going! Now I feel better. So I'm going to stay home. This feels better. This feels right. This feels safe. Something's not right. Don't you remember what Benjamin Franklin said, "Those that give up freedom for safety deserve neither freedom nor safety". I must go to this retreat or I must resign that I am a coward stuck in the safety of my limited human life and that I will never understand what it is to truly know my God”.

This indecision went on for three weeks nonstop and I finally came to the decision that I would take my chances with the plane, my panic attacks and death rather than living a life where I was already dead.

Having made the decision I now faced many fears at the retreat. I also made new friends one of which had the ability to see beings not seen with the normal human vision. After a week I left this retreat with a new lease on life. I was moving forward and it felt fine.

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